I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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