Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
