it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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