This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
