im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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