I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
third nipple confirmed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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