I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
