If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Farmville is her only friend.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
