I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
