I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dicks are not precious.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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