Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Why are your pants in the freezer?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
