how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
