hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
