Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
