Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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