I can text with my tongue
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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