He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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