Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
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we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?