this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
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afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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