it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie