..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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