I feel like abortions should bother me more
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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