I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
