Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You are a genius and a whore.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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