The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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