you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
