So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
