i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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