Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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