I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
