that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
