I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
