walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
