he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
