1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
