we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
