someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
