More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
