Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
