There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
