I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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