Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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