I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
