peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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