He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
