I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
