My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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