awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
