god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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