You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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