I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
