I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.