Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.