Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
