It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
