U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
