the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
