My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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