worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
