its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
