I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!