I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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