you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
