oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
